For All Childless Mothers

Are you a childless mother?

I am.

I tried to become a mother, three times in my life, in three different ways. Every time, Spirit said no.

Like many little girls, I spent my childhood playing with dolls. I was babysitting two-month old infants by the time I was twelve. In my early twenties, I was teaching the teens.

I got really good at getting spit-up-on, wiping noses, and being disrespected. I always figured someday I would have my own, and it would be different.

When I was 29, I married the man.

He was attractive, intelligent, spiritual, disciplined…all the things. He said he was open to having kids…maybe. We never REALLY discussed it…he always changed the subject.

I told him that when my biological clock kicked in and I wanted a kid, get me a dog. And if I STILL wanted a kid, we’d discuss it then.

I spent the first four years of our marriage, Trying to convince myself maybe I didn’t need a kid.

I got the dog....and I learned real quick. My husband was a good man…but he was most certainly NOT a father.

He dragged the puppy by her neck on the leash, without noticing. He forgot to feed her. He never woke up when she whined to go out in the middle of the night.

I was nearing 40 when my husband left me. Turns out he wasn’t much of a husband either.

I surrendered. I would never have a kid of my own. I grieved.

I got the dog in the divorce. And I focused on being “the best dog-mom” I could.

Four years later I met another man. He was a FATHER of two. He did all the DAD things.

I built hopes of being a step-mother, second-mother, not-mother-mother to his kids But, through no fault of his own, his kids disowned him Turns out PARENT ALIENATION is a thing that no one talks about.

I surrendered. I would never be a step-mom. I grieved.

And I focused on being “the cool aunt” To my nephews, my friends’ kids, to any teenager who would let me.

I married the man. We decided to adopt a teenager. And got caught up in a very broken foster/adopt system. Denied. Appealed. Legal Proceedings.

I surrendered. I would never be an adoptive mom. I grieved.

Every year on Mother’s Day, since my early twenties when my college friends started having kids of their own, I celebrate the mothers, because that’s what we do.

And inside, I grieve.

And this, today, Mother’s Day 2022, age 48 is the first time I’ve ever told anyone that I grieve the loss of the child I was never able to have.

Childless mothers, like parent alienation, it's just something we just don’t talk about.

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Years ago, I made friends with Grief.

I let him hold my hand and show me that inside the tears, underneath the heartache, in the folds of the knot in my throat, in the shadows of the emptiness in my womb

sitting quietly inside the corners and folds of my HEART CHAKRA whispering gently lives the precious essence of Grief’s soul-sister

and her name is LOVE

Grief brought me to her and told me that the depth of my grief is proof of my capacity to LOVE.

To all the childless mothers out there. You are not alone.

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The heart chakra is named ANAHATA (Sanskrit), which literally translates to "that which cannot be broken"...such a beautiful word. The heart chakra never breaks. It is tissue that stretches, and sometimes tears, and when it heals itself back up, it heals up stronger, and softer...like silk.

If you want to know more about the Chakras, I'm offering a Chakra 101 online class on Monday May 16th. It's FREE. Sign up on the link below. If you can't make it, register anyway and you'll get the replay link.

https://mindfulnessonlineacademy.as.me/chakra101-workshop

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